Jun 06, 2023





Following my previous blog, where we discussed New Energy Goal Setting, a number of people asked me about the ‘freeze’ response, whereby they set themselves a goal, they know they need to take action, whether it’s apply for that job, call someone for a reference, press send on an email, and they ‘freeze’.



As we leant into the conversation, it became clear that we can all be quite conditional when it comes to self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth.    

The pattern I saw emerging was: “I will be kind to myself, once I”

  1. Attain the goal I have set for myself
  2. Experience greater success at work
  3. Develop a primary relationship
  4. Have amassed enough wealth to feel secure about my standing in society


The underlying statement is one of conditionality, more specifically ‘conditional self-love’.  


Conditional self-love is limiting and leaves no room for new perspectives, expanded thought, and evolution – “growth” beyond your awareness of who you are in this moment; the very qualities you need to achieve beyond the constraints, you've determined to be true.  


If you were to propose to someone, and you said: Let’s get married! I promise to love you forever, provided you always meet my needs and expectations of who I think I am and what I perceive to be my potential. Yay!  Hmm… conditional love, it’s not attractive and it’s definitely limiting!



Imagine you’ve bought a beautiful plant for  your office, and you’ve heard that it’s a good idea to talk to it, so that it can grow healthier.  Even better, you decide to talk to it, the way you talk to yourself.  You sit down with it and say:

“Look I have some pretty high expectations of you, I am going to put you on display, and you are going to grow and be healthy.  You'll recieve sunshine, water, and love.  I’ve heard that talking to plants is a good idea, so I will speak to you regularly provided you perform – don’t let me down.”  That’s a lot of pressure. 


If you consistently load your intentions with this type of pressure, even if you think it’s low-level pressure, you’re going to eventually buckle under the weight of your own expectations


There’s an outdated school of thought that says you need to beat yourself up and withhold self-approval in order to motivate yourself to stay ‘sharp’.  That type of thinking led to a lot of people who couldn’t express their feelings, never felt worthy, and regardless of their accomplishments, they never felt it was enough.



When you are conditional about loving yourself, waiting to achieve your goals before you are able to positively affirm your efforts, you limit your ability to optimize your potential.  Know that your inner child is listening to you berate yourself  for not living up to your own high expectations, and they are bewildered.  If you keep practising speaking to yourself harshly, your inner child will feel beaten down and worthless. 


Low level negative chatter in your head matters!  It adds up and before you know it, you have gone from being a confident happy child to an adult with self-esteem and self-worth issues.



The difference between a person with confidence and one without confidence, is that the person with confidence, has practised enough positive thoughts to think the situation they’re invested in, is going to go well for them.  Their positive expectations allow them to try new things.  Their self-worth is not attached to the outcome.  They've learnt to be unconditional about their self-worth.


You get what you think about.  Keep it positive!  It’s important to pay attention to where you place your focus, because you are going to attract more of it. 



As you grow, you develop a set of principles or values that reflect your character, heart, intentions, and motivations.  Over time, these ideals become the foundation upon which you live and make ethical decisions.  When you make choices that uphold your value system, you develop healthy self-esteem. 


Your value system promotes your authenticity, ethics, and identity.  You’ll know who you are, you’ll feel confident irrespective of the circumstances and you’ll exude strength and warmth.  You accept and love yourself irrespective of the circumstances.  You’ve made peace within yourself and as you pursue your goals, regardless of the outcome, you are in good shape.



Waiting for the perfect set of circumstances before taking action, is a sure-fire way to miss out on all the great experiences available to you.  Perfectionism keeps you separate from what you desire.  You want connection, to be appreciated, to add value and to live an authentic life.  Perfectionism leaves you in a constant holding pattern, waiting for the right conditions to appear so that you can take action and feel fulfilled.  It’s another form of conditionality.  It’s limiting and you’ll miss out on some wonderful opportunities.  Whatever it is that you want to do - just start.  Small steps.



When you let go of ‘conditionality’ and stop beating yourself up for the things that don’t go your way, you instinctively lean into and appreciate each new moment; you'll be present, you'll trust yourself, you'll attract new opportunities, take a chance, and before you know it, you’ve created momentum and you’re moving forward.


Unconditionality is liberating, it frees you from restrictive behaviours and allows you to be light-hearted.  You take action to achieve your goals, constantly willing to course-correct and adapt as the situation requires, maintaining a clear focus on your destination, and you never attach your self-worth to the outcome.



Apply for that job, call someone for a reference, and press send on that email!  You’ve got this and if it doesn’t work out, regroup, strategize – make a new choice and take appropriate action.  It’s about the journey.  Getting to know yourself, and it's fun!


The key to overcoming perceived obstacles in your day, is to practise being unconditional when it comes to self-acceptance and self-love.  When things don’t appear to go ‘your way’, look for the lesson or opportunity availing itself in the new circumstances. 



Be gentle with yourself, use kind words, pick yourself up and try again.  When all else fails, do something light-hearted; go for a walk, watch a funny movie, rest, or go to bed.  SLEEP.  Tomorrow is another day.  Practise your way back into a loving space, using language, thoughts, and actions to promote ease.  The more relaxed you are, the easier it is to reset, refocus and create new momentum.



Unconditional love of self is the most important investment you can make in your future.  It allows you to move forward and take the appropriate action, trusting that the direction you are moving in, is right for you.  It may not be right for others, so don’t give too much weight to the opinions of those who don’t have your vision.  Connect in with your heart, know yourself, and take another step forward.



It's time to be present, love yourself unconditionally and let life reveal to you, all that you are.  It’s not about what other people think, or your position in society; it's about living a life that allows you to feel fully expressed – it’s your journey, and once you pay attention to  the synchronistic unfolding of each new experience, you’ll appreciate the wealth of opportunities you’re being given to know yourself better.  Take the first step.



  1. Remove judgement - be gentle and easy with yourself
  2. Do things you love – it's the quickest way to raise your frequency
  3. Focus on the joy in your life - it's the fastest way to create a shift
  4. Forgive yourself - it brings relief to your emotional body
  5. Make a list of 10 things your grateful for - gratitude works wonders
  6. Practise compassion
  7. Set manageable targets 
  8. Stop measuring your worth by comparing yourself to others
  9. Take up a hobby or activity that makes feel alive - reclaim your creativity and power


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